By: Kai Yen Justine Goh
‘I’m so sorry to hear that,’ is what people say when I tell them my parents are getting divorced. It makes me feel strange and disconnected. Oh, yeah. It’s supposed to be a bad thing. It shuts me down. I’ve just sucked the joy out of the room. Sometimes when people apologise for this divorce they had nothing to do with, it’s almost like they cut me off. They apologise so quickly, it almost feels like somebody is forcing them to say it before the conversation veers too dark.
‘I’m so sorry.’ I’m sorry, but these people often know nothing about my very specific situation.
What do you think of when you hear the word ‘Divorce’? The parents in The Parent Trap getting back together? Robin Williams being barred from his children in Mrs. Doubtfire? Miranda Priestley becoming suddenly pitiable over her divorce in The Devil Wears Prada?
I surveyed my peers on their thoughts. When I asked what they pictured when presented with this word, ‘Divorce,’ many of them said things like ‘Conflict’ and ‘Parents fighting or arguing’. One person said, ‘I picture a kid acting out at school’ and another said, ‘Parents disregarding their kid’s mental health’.
I asked them what they would say to a friend who had opened up and said their parents were getting divorced. A majority of them said, ‘I’m sorry’.
It’s the politically correct thing to say. It’s what kind adults are supposed to say. You can’t go wrong with that, can you?
But this situation for which these people are apologising is not my experience.I interviewed some of my teachers who experienced their parents getting divorced.
Ms. Shooter talked about how even though she was an adult when her parents divorced, it still had a major impact on her life.
‘I was twenty-three. I had recently gotten married, thinking that marriage was…well…forever. And then my family home was sold, and there wasn’t a place to go back to for Christmas.’
Lisa, another person I interviewed, was ten when her parents divorced in the ‘80s. She said:
‘I feel people don’t talk to kids about divorce enough. Kids don’t get to know what a “good” divorce is, or what that should look like.’
When her parents divorced, Lisa didn’t even know what ‘divorced’ was. Out of the blue, she had a new stepmother, and her grandparents told her her family was going to Hell, and that her brothers would go to prison.
‘I wasn’t bullied at school about [having divorced parents], but I was the oddity. You know what I mean? I like to think I handled it well, and it didn’t affect me, but it’s probably just my brain protecting me or something, because now I think about it, I almost failed the fourth grade, so there was definitely something there.’
Both people I interviewed mentioned the impact of the shock of the divorce. ‘My dad just called me one day and said, “I’m leaving”,’ Ms. Shooter said. ‘And then they were fighting and it was messy, because they both wanted stuff, like property and everything.’
In Lisa’s case, ‘Even though it was a “good” divorce, it was like Bam! Your parents are divorced, two Christmases, two Birthdays, and Bam! Here’s your stepmum.’
A lot of the trauma from parents divorcing comes from shock and feeling like you are the ‘oddity’.
Lisa said:
‘I think people should go to jail (she chuckles) or like get charged for messy divorces, because for children, it’s…it’s emotional abuse. In an ideal world, kids are told what divorce is supposed to look like, and they’re protected. (She sighs) But…in an ideal world.’
I would like to think our world is growing more open and liberal, but in this society where different types of families are slowly becoming more acceptable, divorce is still a taboo topic, especially when it comes to the children involved.
After my parents decided to divorce, even when my extended family knew about it, they pretended nothing was happening. I wasn’t sure if I could bring it up with them or not, because the way they approached the topic made it seem like it wasn’t OK to even mention it.
With my heart banging in my stomach I asked, ‘So…you know about my parents?’ Only to see the laughter leave the room, faces melt and close, tones turn solemn, and a quiet answer of ‘Yes.’
When adults don’t already know, and I tell them ‘My parents are getting divorced,’ the faces stiffen.
‘I’m so sorry to hear that,’ they say.
I try to reassure them by saying, ‘It’s OK. It’s a good thing.’
I’m not sorry my parents are getting divorced. I’m only sorry that I made the other person uncomfortable by mentioning it.
‘You seem to be coping well,’ numerous adults have told me. I would nod. Their bodies stiffened and recoiled. I couldn’t say ‘No, I’m not coping well,’ because those teachers’ faces and bodies told me I had to be coping well–they told me I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. Then they would move on to a different, lighter topic, as if to distract me from the gloom–because they’re supposed to.
They’re supposed to say they’re sorry. I’m supposed to be sad my parents are divorced, and I’m also supposed to be coping well so other ‘kind’ people can pretend they’ve done their job.
I, and other children of divorced parents, don’t need to have scripted feelings imposed on us. We don’t need to be cut off and distracted from our true feelings. We need to sit in the grief. Because it is real. We need to be listened to, regardless of how we feel. So the next time a kid tells you their parents are getting divorced, don’t say ‘I’m sorry.’ Instead, ask ‘How do you feel about it?’